Some of My Favorites

Thanks Liza for her comment that reminded me of some of my favorite funnies by Jim Gaffigan. As you can see, he really loves food, especially cake but definately NOT Hot Pockets:

• Whenever you go out you gotta get the appetizer. Cuz the appetizer's just an excuse for an extra meal. You're always like "Lets see, I will start with the 80 buffalo wings...and do you have a low-cal blue cheese? I don't wanna fill up too much." But it would be kinda embarrassing trying to explain what an appetizer is to someone from a starving country though. "Yeah the appetizer, that's the food we eat before we have our food...No no you're thinking of dessert, that's food we eat after we have our food."


• Cake's a powerful food. Cake can actually bring people together. You know... "It's Bill's birthday" "Yeah I hate that guy." "There's cake in the conference room." "Well I should say hello."


• My wife's gotten really lazy, or as she calls it, "pregnant".


• There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea.


• I'm surprised we're still serving fish with the heads still on. What are we, barbarians? Don't you always think that eye's looking at you? "You don't mind if I watch while you eat my body do you? Don't be distracted if you see a little tear come out. You can just tell yourself its butter."


• You can't have cake for breakfast!...You're going to have fried cake with syrup for breakfast.


• I don't know why they still sell hammocks in the sporting goods section. "Yeah, my activity of choice is laying down. Yes I would like to combine my love of the outdoors with my even greater love of napping, could you help a sportsman like me?"


• When you go out to dinner they always try and improve the salad. They're like, "Would you like some fresh pepper on your salad?" Can anyone tell the difference between fresh and stale pepper? I can't even taste the pepper. They might as well be like, "Would you like us to wave this wooden wand over your salad?" "Uh, all right." "OK, enjoy your magic salad." "Ooh, I didn't know I was getting a magic salad."


• Lifetime, television for women. Yet for some reason women are always getting beaten on that channel.


• It is crazy how the internet and e-mail has changed our lives. Have you ever got a handwritten letter in the mail today, your like "What the hell? Has someone been kidnapped!?!" "I'm not opening it, its probably filled with anthrax or something." It's definitely made sending regular mail a chore. "What, I stuck it in a envelope and now I have to go outside!?! What am I a triathlete?" Ever have the friend that sends you a really long e-mail, you open it up and you feel like you have homework! "Can't read that dissertation now, I'll keep that as new." I don't even read them half the time, just hit reply "Sounds good, don't write back, ever."


• I didnt know hed be doing BEAR jokes...(you have to watch him to get this one)


• There's so many different kinds of cake. There's rum cake, which makes sense because we've all been eating cake and thought "you know what this needs-booze. shot of liquor. I don't have time to eat and drink. I only have two hands buddy and one of them's holdin' a cigarette. Meet me halfway will ya?"


• You ever call people on speaker phone? And they're stupid enough to not realize they're on speaker phone? "You sound like you're in a well. Are you in a well?" "Yes I am in a well, but luckily, there's a phone down here. I'm just down in a well, making phone calls. I was having people guess, but you knew right away, you're so good at the well guessing."


• I went to the gym the other day, saw a woman working out and you could see her ribs. And all I could think about was "I haven't had a McRib in forever."


• I definitely prefer the easy way in life: I see an escalator and I get excited. Sweet. All I got to do is keep my balance.